After I agreed to seek professional help

“Just seek professional help already instead of crying all the time”.

Talking about my mental issues has become more and more difficult over time.

“Regular” people would tell me I will drown in self pity.
Or give me the advice to just find a hobby to keep myself busy.
And otherwise tell me to just seek professional help.

Especially Jasper has been chasing me with this one.
This for all the right reasons and I completely understand him.
But it’s hard to explain why I have been postponing this for so long.

Starting therapy is not just catch up with a friend you do once a week after work.
Therapy is going to take over your emotions.
Your personal life.
And the one I am most scared of, your career.
I know old memories are going haunt me in the night and exhaust me during the day.

I don’t even know where to start my story.
Escaping war. Moving to countries not knowing if there even would be a bed to sleep in.
Living in several dirty asylum seeker centers.
Being pulled out of the classroom at the age of 7 and being told that both your parents both are hospitalized.
Not seeing your mum for 2 months.
Very rarely visiting your dad in a scary mental hospital for 1.5 years.

Then came the years of being bullied by classmates, physically and mentally.
Bullying, which continued in my career.

And all that while suffering with extreme OCD.
The OCD which has resulted in not only mental issues, but psychically weird things are happening to me.

“You should have sought professional help earlier” is what people would tell me.

I have.
At the age of 14 was the first time I tried therapy.
I was sent from specialist to specialist in order to find out what exactly it was that I had.
And each time I had to tell my story again.
It was exhausting.

By the age of 17, I finally had a stable therapist.
I continued until the age of 19.
Although he was a nice man, he didn’t help me much.

About 3 years later, I tried again.
But as soon as I saw the doctor googling my symptoms, I had lost my complete faith to the medical system.

For me to ever take this step, desperation would have to hit me hard.

For someone who’s usual habit is to never give up, I wasn’t expecting it to ever happen.
But yesterday, it did.

Due to unfair accusations at work in the past week, together with everything else, I collapsed emotionally.
Desperation hit me hard.

Jasper and I took a bus to an 24/7 emergency mental hospital.
With a waiting time of over an hour, the doctor had exactly 15 minutes for me to tell my story.
A very kind and understanding woman was listening.
But also here, she couldn’t help me that much.
She would try her best, but I had to count on some weeks in order for her to arrange therapy sessions.

Today I called my regular doctor for a physical issue.
He started laughing. “Yeah, I have heard about your anxiety”.
I whispered, while crying that this was not a joke and needed help.
“I never said my job was a joke”, he continued and informed me I could come in 10 days.


I am discouraged as I can be.
This is the only thing I could give up on.
But I know that if I quit now, I would never take the step again.

This is year is going to be one of the most difficult ones.

Have you ever sought therapy?
How was the process for you?


23 thoughts on “After I agreed to seek professional help

  1. I have had therapy several times, but the one that cracked it for me was how my blog came about. It would be a long story here for mine, but it’s all on my blog.
    Those that have been with my blog from the beginning have seen me grown with confidence. It doesn’t go away, but it’s the way I am able to handle things
    Mine was tough, but I got through and it really helped me. The end of counseling wasn’t an end though, but I had the tools from it to continue, as well as learning new things to progress slowly each day. My blog was my therapy too.

    It’s hard to start with and draining. But it will get easier.
    You have been in a very tough time of many situations and it takes time to do it. But you will get there.
    I hope you do have the right support through. The doctor wasn’t nice there for laughing.

  2. The advice of “you should have sought help from a therapist before” is becoming a popular one in these days. Just remember that you’re not this mental illness, you are you!

  3. I do think that there is a good connection between you and the specialist, things can get a lot easier.
    I must admit that I prefer a woman over a man. But I don’t if I can just state it like that.
    Was that a big factor for you?

    It’s encouraging that it worked for you!
    Hope it does the same for me 🙂

  4. I know. I never had a problem with myself though.
    For reasons other thought I was an easy victim and gave me this mental illness.

    Thanks for your words!

  5. I prefer speaking to a woman as well. I hope you have that choice, because in the UK we have a preference.

    I went for counseling originally the last ocassion because of work struggles and stress. But as I started to talk about my pass, the therapist asked me more questions about it. She could see that it was what happened in my childhood that was affecting my presence. At this point, I only had a few weeks counseling sessions left and as the counsellor said, it was an area that needed to be tread with care, as so it wasn’t rushed. So as I felt the huge benefit at this point, even though painful and triggering, I did go for further counseling elsewhere. This was my breakthrough.
    I have been a person that can easily snap. But knowing now why I snap because it’s a trigger, meant I was able to act on it before snapping. It has made me more of a calmer person than I have ever been.
    I can still have my moments and there is one area of me that I will never be able to stop, which is if I was ever accused of something I have not done and not believed, I still see red.
    But triggers from what I witnessed when my dad was cruel to my dog, also threatening me cos I was screaming to tell him to stop, it did uncover something I never realised I was holding onto. This guilt I was holding onto, I let go of which did in my own time away from therapy. As soon as I allowed myself to do that, I then did a walk where I used to take my dog and let go of a decorated stone to say goodbye to my dog. I only did the goodbye after first letting go of the guilt I was opening. It was a bit of an eye opener for me. No other counsellor in the past asked further questions like she did and the one I went to after, to continue.

  6. I sought therapy for my depression and anxiety and it has helped me a lot. There were a lot of things that happened in my childhood that was causing it and I didn’t even know. Now just knowing what it was has helped me so much in changing my behavior and giving me a better outlook on life. I mostly did it for my kids but now I’m glad that I did it for myself to.

  7. It sounds very much like you could be experiencing what some doctors would diagnose as PTSD. What a strong person you are to have been dealing with this for so many years. It is also very suspiciously like spiritual/psychic attack – many of which are the same symptoms as PTSD, etc. Not all PTSD is spiritual/psychic attack, but some is for sure. I don’t know if you are a Believer or not (a born again follower of Yeshua “Jesus”) but there are pastors out there casting out evil spirits and helping so many people be protected. That protection can really help to strengthen a person while they are going through the heavy work of therapy. I don’t know why so many churches fell away from the early teachings where they were healing the sick, etc, but they did. However, there are still people doing this today. Many hugs to you Andrea, I will say a prayer for you and your beautiful heart.

  8. I had a doctor take 1 look at me and say I wasn’t depressed. Had a therapist that would always say I wasn’t telling her enough even right after I’d finally managed to tell her a little so it felt like there was no point even trying. I did end up with one though that I liked, she would just listen to me and make me feel heard give me some advice and give me information on coping mentally. I didn’t need someone to get all clinical about it I just needed someone to listen and make me feel heard. Wish I was still seeing her. Good luck with finding the right person for you!!

  9. Get a new Primary Care Physician. That would be my recommendation. His reaction is NOT OK!!!! I am in therapy now and have been at various points in my life. I am working with a great team of doctors that all trying to get to the best solution for me. It has taken a lot of effort on my part but totally worth it. Keep pushing for help and answers. Something in America has to change with mental health. The stigma has to be removed and help needs to be more accessible. hugs and peace to you!

  10. I agree! It was terrible because I already feel very fragile.
    The sad part is, I live in Europe.
    I guess we can conclude that the entire world is just not ready to deal with mental health.

    Thank you Kat, your words mean a lot to me! 🙂

  11. This is exactly the reason why I lost faith in the medical system.
    Doctors are there for commercial reasons really. They also need a BMW under their ass.

    I really hope I will find someone who cares and wants to help me.
    Thank you 🙂

  12. I read about PTSD just now.
    I think that’s probably it. Fact is that I had quite some trauma’s in my life, but never overcame them.

    I am a Christian, but I have to admit that I lost my faith quite a bit.
    But I did in the medical as well.

    At this point I am willing to give anything a try, because I am very desperate.

    Thank you so much for the suggestion and beautiful words! 🙂

  13. I am doing to for my future child, but also for myself.
    I can’t continue like this anymore.
    Your story gives me hope that eventually it can get better.

    I think you get to know yourself a lot through therapy. It’s confronting, but you have to be brave through the whole process I guess.

    Thanks for sharing!

  14. I didn’t realize you were in Europe. So sorry that treatment was so negative. Know you are worth every ounce of fight you have in you to conquer this depression! Check out my most current blog. I wrote on the same topic. HUGS from the USA.

  15. I hope you get the help you need.
    I never thought therapy like that would work for me, so I never tried. I work on myself by myself. It’s definitely not easy to find something that will work for you. It’s hit and miss, like you said.

  16. I’ve gone to various therapists for short term therapy, usually after a big event, a breakup or work crisis (finding work). It’s helped me to get regrounded/balanced just to talk with someone. But to be honest I’ve also had bad therapist’s so talked about their own lives taking up the time of the paid sessions. I felt like their therapist! My last therapist said she thought I could figure things out on my own and didn’t need therapy. It was empowering in a way. Therapists are far from perfect, but I think most mean well. I usually go only short term because of the expensive cost and that it feels redundant after awhile (to me). Other friends have gone for decades, I don’t think I’d ever want that though.

  17. I have always thought I could do it on my own, but I am realizing now that I can’t.
    I don’t know if it’s just talking or I need actual medicine.
    Today I have my first actual session. I am excited, but also tired. My story is long, but I really only want to tell it once.

    I hope that you are able now to find the peace and calm on your own.
    I think work is too often the cause of stress.
    For me, it’s not my main reason, but my manager has recently triggered a lot of bad thoughts within me 😦

  18. All the love and luck on your journey, Andrea ♡ I am a big skeptic of therapy, too, (now even more so) but I am proud of you for trying again. You are so strong. Keep pushing! ♡

  19. I saw a social worker in the middle of high school after having a nervous breakdown in my guidance counselor’s office. It helped for a little while to have someone to talk to every week but after a few visits I started to feel like it wasn’t going anywhere. The hardest thing about the whole thing was it couldn’t just be my business that I was working with a social worker to improve myself. No, my parents constantly asked me what I spoke about during the sessions and honestly, my anxiety was very bad in the sense even trying to verbalize and explain in words to them about it was very difficult. Especially because mental health was never a topic in our house and I was uncomfortable trying to explain it to them in their language. After that I saw a private licensed therapist and the same thing happened. I felt it helped but then I had tension with my parents because it seemed like to them I didn’t want to open up to them. Plus they were unhappy with the costs of therapy. So I stopped going. I saw no one after that, not even when I was failing all my college courses and was simply too scared to go into my school’s mental health office to ask to see someone. I met a person who gave me a referral to a clinic within a school where he was seeing a therapist. For a small fee per session, I was able to see someone for several weeks. They had a limit for how many weeks before I could decide if I wanted to continue. But the worst was no one told me that if I did, I would have to rotate to another therapist. I was not willing to restart with someone new so I left after my weeks were up. Lastly I tried group therapy about two years ago. Again it was for a limited amount of weeks but entirely free so I went for it. I didn’t hate my time there and had a safe place to talk in the presence of other people who were going through the same thing as me (social anxiety). However I was relieved to be done with it. I seem to get tired of therapy after going to it consistently for weeks. I can’t say I would try to find another therapist today, mainly because I cannot handle the financial costs. It’s also a grab in the dark to attempt to find a therapist I can truly click with.

  20. I will write another post on the next experience I had with this whole therapy thing. You will become ever more skeptical and distugsted about the system.

    Thanks for you support! I love how understanding everyone is regarding this matter on WP 🙂

  21. You are brave. Never quite. Remember ” everything is in our mind. how we deal with anything is right there in the mind. ” Thanks for liking my transcontent blog dear.

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