“Just seek professional help already instead of crying all the time”.
Talking about my mental issues has become more and more difficult over time.
“Regular” people would tell me I will drown in self pity.
Or give me the advice to just find a hobby to keep myself busy.
And otherwise tell me to just seek professional help.
Especially Jasper has been chasing me with this one.
This for all the right reasons and I completely understand him.
But it’s hard to explain why I have been postponing this for so long.
Starting therapy is not just catch up with a friend you do once a week after work.
Therapy is going to take over your emotions.
Your personal life.
And the one I am most scared of, your career.
I know old memories are going haunt me in the night and exhaust me during the day.
I don’t even know where to start my story.
Escaping war. Moving to countries not knowing if there even would be a bed to sleep in.
Living in several dirty asylum seeker centers.
Being pulled out of the classroom at the age of 7 and being told that both your parents both are hospitalized.
Not seeing your mum for 2 months.
Very rarely visiting your dad in a scary mental hospital for 1.5 years.
Then came the years of being bullied by classmates, physically and mentally.
Bullying, which continued in my career.
And all that while suffering with extreme OCD.
The OCD which has resulted in not only mental issues, but psychically weird things are happening to me.
“You should have sought professional help earlier” is what people would tell me.
At the age of 14 was the first time I tried therapy.
I was sent from specialist to specialist in order to find out what exactly it was that I had.
And each time I had to tell my story again.
It was exhausting.
By the age of 17, I finally had a stable therapist.
I continued until the age of 19.
Although he was a nice man, he didn’t help me much.
About 3 years later, I tried again.
But as soon as I saw the doctor googling my symptoms, I had lost my complete faith to the medical system.
For me to ever take this step, desperation would have to hit me hard.
For someone who’s usual habit is to never give up, I wasn’t expecting it to ever happen.
But yesterday, it did.
Due to unfair accusations at work in the past week, together with everything else, I collapsed emotionally.
Desperation hit me hard.
Jasper and I took a bus to an 24/7 emergency mental hospital.
With a waiting time of over an hour, the doctor had exactly 15 minutes for me to tell my story.
A very kind and understanding woman was listening.
But also here, she couldn’t help me that much.
She would try her best, but I had to count on some weeks in order for her to arrange therapy sessions.
Today I called my regular doctor for a physical issue.
He started laughing. “Yeah, I have heard about your anxiety”.
I whispered, while crying that this was not a joke and needed help.
“I never said my job was a joke”, he continued and informed me I could come in 10 days.
I am discouraged as I can be.
This is the only thing I could give up on.
But I know that if I quit now, I would never take the step again.
This is year is going to be one of the most difficult ones.
Have you ever sought therapy?
How was the process for you?