This post is for Nat.
In her blog After the storm, she writes about putting a lot of effort to get a job.
Only to find out that it was not for her and she quit.
I promised her that I would share a personal, similar story.
Only I didn’t quit. I pushed through all the hell.
Was that a good idea?
If you have been a Technical Instructor for the larger part of your career, I can garentuee, you will have your fair share of awkward moments.
Sometimes you realize that you been teaching a class full of Brad Pitt look-a-likes for an hour with some left over jam on your cheek.
Other times you will meet the guy you had a date with 9 years ago in the front seat staring at you.
Although I can laugh about it now, I have become more cautios.
I will clean my face after lunch and I will always check the participant list beforehand.
It have been teachable moments.
But nothing compares to the first time I delivered a training.
I had been working 1.5 years as a Training Developer when I decided to tell my manager I wanted to become an Instructor.
For some reason, I thought it would be no problem for me.
I stepped in the classroom not as prepared as I could have been.
But hey, I am women. Surely the guys would be nice to me.
They were shooting at me.
They graded me extremely badly.
They cherry on top?
I started crying in front of the classroom.
Instead of showing sympathy, the participants told me that this wasn’t for me.
The next day I was called in by my manager.
He, also, decided to give me a hard time.
And of course, the faucet started running again.
The weeks after were difficult for me.
Let alone “getting back on that horse”.
The second time I did a training, I cried as well.
But this time it was not in front of the participants at least.
But I am sure they heard me weeping the bathroom.
My manager never spoke with any pride about me.
So many times I wanted to quit.
Go live back with my parents.
Take a non challenging job.
The guys were right, this was probably not for me.
But I always thought to myself “just one more week”.
Fast forwarding to a few years later, I am standing in front of the classroom without any anxiety.
I crack jokes.
I challlange my class.
Nobody could ever imagine that there has ever been a moment of inconvenience for me.
You probably think this is a “Look at me now” moment, aren’t you?
But that moment damaged my mental state a lot.
So far, I have been crying at every job I had.
The lack of sympathy I got always brought me back to that afwul moment.
My confidence in front of the classroom is mostly an act.
I am always scared that something like this would happen again.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I just had quit back then.
Forget about it. Start a new, easier life.
Never be reminded of it again.
Would my mental state be not as messed up as it is now?
What I am trying to say, sometimes quiting is braver and wiser than putting yourself through hell.
And I hope this story makes you feel just a little better about your decision!
We often say, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I don’t believe in this.
What didn’t kill me made weaker, more anxious and bitter.
Because I simply couldn’t stop at the right moment.
Are you someone who rather quits at the right time or push through even though it could damage you mentally?