I remember how I used to push myself into getting straight A’s at school.
I couldn’t accept the fact that I was simply not this type of student.
Now I am sitting here, 8 years later, thinking about when anyone even asked for my grades.
That was never.
What if I had done my education without this unnecesary stress?
My grades would have been good enough to pass.
I would still be where I am today.
I remember how previous managers were being a bully because I wasn’t performing according to their expectations.
I cried every day. Living seemed pointless.
Now I’m sitting here, a couple jobs later, and wonder why I cared that much?
They were not worth it.
It was a dead end job anyhow.
I remember all my OCD attacks.
I’d clean the house and myself until “my routine” was “perfect”.
I’d cope with the terrible rash left on my arms and the emotional stress in my head.
Now I’m sitting here, in our new appartment, thinking what the point of all that cleaning was.
What if I didn’t clean?
I knew I was going to move eventually.
I see a reoccuring theme in my story.
In many occassions I seemed like I wanted to be the best and tried my best to achieve that.
But this never seemed to happen without going through a lot of physical and emotional damage.
The silly thing is, however, I always knew that was going to end eventually.
And now I am just wondering, why did I let it happen?
I’d love to say that my “new life” is perfect.
That my job is awesome. That my managers and colleagues are great. That my OCD is gone.
Only yesterday I was told by one of the participans in my training why this company was hiring foreigners and forced locals to speak English.
(Not to mention that I had two other “foreigners” in my class)
There have been more racist jokes like that.
I also talked earlier about a little incident with a colleague, in my post Karma.
I am now forced by my manager to join him on a training where we have to spend 4 hours in car to drive to.
“It will improve your relationship”, he said
Needles to say, I don’t agree.
Looking at my weekly bills, I still see I spend too much money on cleaning products.
Also, the rash is still there.
While writing this, I force myself to think “This is will also pass. The plan was never to stay here forever”.
I choose this job because it will be useful for my ultimate goal.
We choose this country to live a quieter life.
We choose this country to spend more time with each other.
We choose it start our own little family one day.
We choose it because I need to get better mentally and make these goals happen.
I started this post last week and now finishing it.
But in that week I did try to live by this thought.
I play along when people make innapropriate jokes.
I postpone the cleaning to tomorrow.
I think about 4:30, when Jasper and I will sitting together at our kitchen table playing a board game or laugh at funny pictures.
I think about the next step in life when all of this is over.
This too, shall pass.
Are you the type of person looking at the bigger picture?
Or do you rather live and stress day by day?