This too, shall pass

I remember how I used to push myself into getting straight A’s at school.
I couldn’t accept the fact that I was simply not this type of student.
Now I am sitting here, 8 years later, thinking about when anyone even asked for my grades.
That was never.
What if I had done my education without this unnecesary stress?
My grades would have been good enough to pass.
I would still be where I am today.

I remember how previous managers were being a bully because I wasn’t performing according to their expectations.
I cried every day. Living seemed pointless.
Now I’m sitting here, a couple jobs later, and wonder why I cared that much?
They were not worth it.
It was a dead end job anyhow.

I remember all my OCD attacks.
I’d clean the house and myself until “my routine” was “perfect”.
I’d cope with the terrible rash left on my arms and the emotional stress in my head.
Now I’m sitting here, in our new appartment, thinking what the point of all that cleaning was.
What if I didn’t clean?
I knew I was going to move eventually.

I see a reoccuring theme in my story.
In many occassions I seemed like I wanted to be the best and tried my best to achieve that.
But this never seemed to happen without going through a lot of physical and emotional damage.
The silly thing is, however, I always knew that was going to end eventually.
And now I am just wondering, why did I let it happen?

I’d love to say that my “new life” is perfect.
That my job is awesome. That my managers and colleagues are great. That my OCD is gone.
It’s not.

Only yesterday I was told by one of the participans in my training why this company was hiring foreigners and forced locals to speak English.
(Not to mention that I had two other “foreigners” in my class)
There have been more racist jokes like that.

I also talked earlier about a little incident with a colleague, in my post Karma.
I am now forced by my manager to join him on a training where we have to spend 4 hours in car to drive to.
“It will improve your relationship”, he said
Needles to say, I don’t agree.

Looking at my weekly bills, I still see I spend too much money on cleaning products.
Also, the rash is still there.

While writing this, I force myself to think “This is will also pass. The plan was never to stay here forever”.
I choose this job because it will be useful for my ultimate goal.
We choose this country to live a quieter life.
We choose this country to spend more time with each other.
We choose it start our own little family one day.
We choose it because I need to get better mentally and make these goals happen.

I started this post last week and now finishing it.
But in that week I did try to live by this thought.

I play along when people make innapropriate jokes.
I postpone the cleaning to tomorrow.
I think about 4:30, when Jasper and I will sitting together at our kitchen table playing a board game or laugh at funny pictures.

I think about the next step in life when all of this is over.
This too, shall pass.
 

Are you the type of person looking at the bigger picture?
Or do you rather live and stress day by day?

18 thoughts on “This too, shall pass

  1. It’s such a difficult balance. Look to the future and never mind today or take care of today so the future will be paved?

    I hear what you’re saying.

    Almost weekly I think to myself “what am I doing with my life and is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life”?

    No matter how much I try to be prepared for the future, I know that crazy can still happen and I won’t be ready for it no matter what I do.

    For some reason I cannot seem to ever figure out how to proceed….

    Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe, no matter what I do I will will find flaws and faults with it.

    Oh well, after awhile, I just settle.

  2. This is such a profound post. So many layers.

    I often wonder about my performance at school and what really was the point. But then again, I’m proud of my ethics, experience and knowledge, so I don’t see it as complete waste.

    There are two conflicting ways that I feel after reading this post.
    1. I feel motivated and comforted that troubles will pass, and that what I struggle with now will be nothing in the future.
    2. However, it also makes me sad a little bit, because it shows that putting so much work into now might be pointless.

    Like you, I try my best. Like you, I wonder “why?”. I’m just wired that way. And even though some people might see it as silly, and unnecessary, I like to think that having values is still important.

    It’s good to look forward to something else when you are struggling. However, I feel like life is meant to be a struggle (I’m an optimist, you should know that by now.), so it will never really pass. There will always be SOMETHING. And THAT is why I choose to care less about now. Not because it will pass, but because I need to get used to it, and not stress and die prematurely.

  3. That is very true, life is very unpredicable.
    Anything crazy can happen.
    I often think to myself “If I survive this, life will be brilliant”.
    Guess what?
    Not even close.

    But I do feel that I do learn a lot about myself of all these “darker” times. And knowing yourself and your preferences makes life so much easier.

    Yeah, in the end we all have to settle for a while, until it’s time to move on.

    We can always ask ourselves the question “where would I like to be in 5 years” and also “What can I do now to achieve that?”

    Any big plans for you within the 5 next years?

  4. Thanks! Glad it triggered your thoughts!

    I don’t think everything I am doing now is a waste of time. It’s simply preparation for my ultimate goal. And it’s easy for me to say, because I know already what I want from life.

    I know I know.
    I am just “fearing” the next struggle. And I can guess what it will be. I don’t think it will be easy for both me and Jasper to get a job in Canada.

    Stress is never good. That’s why I will simply try to wipe any thing stress related away with a hot shower and some gin & tonic 😉
    And always keep on remembering myself that in 5 years from now, life will be very different. Most likely even one year from now!

  5. You have come such a long way! I’m sure you know I ask myself what am I doing pretty much on a daily basis. 🙂
    Stress sucks and we all seem to do it way too much.

  6. I live and stress day by day because I look at the bigger picture! 🙂

    Seriously. I tend to see how each step and each problem affects the present situations and goals.

    My coping mechanism is simply my dependence on God and knowing what He has promised and what He hasn’t. (Unfortunately many people have expectations of God that aren’t what He promised in the Bible, and then they “comfort” those struggling with those promises) Part of this is remembering how many times I have, or looking back, how He supported me, even when I was doubting and struggling (two very different things)

  7. Thanks Julie! I think it’s all very good until now, but they are always some minor setbacks.
    Stress suck indeed. I wish I could just wipe it away!

  8. That’s a nice way of looking at it.
    I am more the type who just wants to “survive” this phase, absorb all the knowledge and then just move on to something better, or my ultimate goal.

    I am sure a lot of people find comfort with God and I think that’s a great thing!

  9. Good that you see the future despite the day to day issues. I try to do the same even though it gets hard sometimes. Hang in there. Your writing is always nice to read. It is very thought provoking.

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