Guilt

The taxi driver was on his last shift and he drove like that too.
Thank you whoever created seat belts.
But I did see the large letters when we drove by a church:

Jesus died for our sins

It took me back to my childhood.
Growing up with religious parents, this statement has been half my life.

It always made feel uncomfortable.
I am the type of person who takes things very literally.
I spent most my youth thinking I actually killed someone.

Another very typical aspect of my entire family was showing respect to the elderly.
My grandmother told me more than once that I should be grateful to my parents.
“They gave up EVERYTHING just so you can have a good life”, she told me.

I beg to differ, now.
But I spend much time wondering how on earth I could ever pay them back.

Guilt

As young child I was put up with all the “guilt” statements.
I didn’t what life entailed and people had already decided for me I was guilty on all kinds of stuff.
I dare to believe that these kind statements have shaped part of my anxiety.
So thanks for that guys. Really, how could you?

I look back it and I am angry.
And sad.
And frustrated.
And confused.

Some people claim that children are not so innocent.
And maybe I’d say the same if I see children playing together and being mean to each other.
But if I did something bad when I was 4 years old, I sincerely apologize.
I didn’t how to use my brain, let alone doing it intentionally.

Some adults claim they don’t do bad things with intention.
The “I didn’t mean it that way” statement will always be used.

I’d like to judge anyone who says that, but maybe they, too, have been put up with a lot of guilt in their childhood years.
Maybe they are confused, frustrated, sad and angry too.

I believe that no one is born as a bad human.
But somewhere along the way, we get shaped a certain way.
And sometimes I really wonder, who is to blame?

Have you been made feel guilty in your youth for the wrong reasons?
Do you think that shaped you?

13 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. I don’t like pity partys. Eventually we all have to suck it up, grow up and move on aand…YES! Jesus did die for the sins of the world and he did it because he loves each of us enough to have done that.

  2. I’m not sure if some of my childhood experiences count as being guilt-tripped into feeling bad about something I didn’t necessarily need to feel sorry for. Perhaps it was.

    I relate very much to what you wrote about regarding the “respect to the elderly” bit. A common thing my mom harped on me about when I was a child was, “Don’t act that way. If you do, people will say you have no manners because your parents didn’t teach you well enough.” And always, I knew there was the underlying message that if I acted in a way that was considered culturally unacceptable in her point of view, it would be embarrassing for her. A kind of “losing face” mentality.

    Another experience I have to share didn’t really happen to me but I was a bystander in the situation. It was recently that my parents, myself, my brother, and his gf ate out together at a restaurant. Behind closed doors my parents vented about how “rude” the gf was not to be courteous in encouraging them to order whatever they wanted. I was kinda dumbfounded they felt that was considered “rude”, especially since it wasn’t like she personally invited us to eat there. We had collectively agreed to go there altogether to grab a meal, that’s it. My mom went as far as to claim that the gf’s parents obviously did not raise her to be polite and even my dad assumed bc the gf is an only child that her parents must have spoiled her rotten. I was disappointed at their assumptions.

  3. When i was a baby i had severe reflux. At about age three i needed surgery for it.
    My parents would always joke about how hard i was as a baby, always crying, and throwing up everywhere whenever we went out.

    They did it in a light hearted way. But i knew they were serious underneath the jokes, and maaaaan did i feel shit about it.

    They split when i was about 5. I always had this sense of guilt that maybe the stress i put them under contributed to that.

    Now that i’m way older, i know that their issues were their own fault, but for a long time, i felt like a little asshole.

  4. I was never made to feel bad, I just did. My father worked his ass off and I always felt bad for him but he never made it my problem. To this day though I often feel guilty about things with no real basis for it. Great post

  5. I didn’t register guilt tripping when I was younger. Maybe there was none, maybe I was too daft to get it. But once I grew up (i.e. graduated from college), all hell broke loose. Guilt tripping left and right. There were some times when I felt bad (when it was warranted), but if there was no reason, it just got me mad and had the reverse effect on me.

  6. I know someone who doesn’t feel guilt.
    There might have been minor things where he could feel guilt, but still he didn’t do intentionally. He mostly stayed away from trouble, issues and people if possible.
    He always minded his own business.

    Now, that’s living. My aim is to become that. No more emotions because of others.

  7. Both my parents actually had hard, physical jobs. I was fortunate enough to do an education so I could do an “easy” office job.
    Mum often “blames” me that my life is too easy.
    But she doesn’t see me waking up early, travel long and stressing about the responsibilities I have.

    I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. But that’s easier said than done.

    Thanks for you comment 🙂

  8. I feel for you.
    It’s never been your fault.
    Splitting up of parents is always the most difficult for the child if not handled well by adults!

    You shouldn’t feel guilty at all!

  9. Oh man. Parents are sometimes so difficult.
    My mum would also talk trash about my boyfriend if he didn’t something according to her standards.
    Like bringing her flowers or buying me diamond earrings.

    Like DUDE, there is so much more in life than just that. Actually problems.

    I think this is also caused by the fact that my boyfriend’s family is wealthier than mine.

    I understand parents want the best of their children, but there is a limit of “protection” !

  10. Parents say the darnest things in private… 😒 Similarly to what you described about your family talking badly about your boyfriend because they expect so much due to his wealthy background, I sense my parents expect a lot from my brother’s girlfriend because she has a very well paid job and has expensive tastes in how she shops. In that way they also developed prejudice due to the way she spends her money and they assume she expects my brother to buy her stuff based on her own standards. Ugh. My bleeding ears…

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