Some of you might know I have started designing t-shirts and hoodies.
The drawings aren’t random however. Most reflect on my own mood and experiences in life.
In these series, I would like to tell you the story behind the designs.
First up, the one that might be the most meaningful to me: Anxious Ant.
The first signs of anxiety for me when I finally got my own room.
I was very excited to decorate my own place.
I felt like such an adult (at the age of 9 😉 ).
Everything was perfect until the evening hit. Being alone in the wasn’t fun at all.
Where ever I looked, I saw creepy creatures. It was more than just “monsters under my bed”.
I often screamed for my parents in the middle of the night.
Today’s day, 18 years later, I still leave all the lights on when I am home alone in the evening.
And even when I’m not alone, on bad days, I still have to ask my boyfriend to lead me to the toilet because going down the hallway dark scares me.
Anxiety reflects in my social life as well.
I have history of being bullied, so it’s hard for me to think people will ever accept me as a friend, colleague or just bare with me.
Finally there is the anxiety based on trauma and previous “betrayal”.
Whenever I am out for food, I check twice with the waiter the meal really is vegetarian.
I avoid certain cities and highways. There is always fear that I somehow will end up on them.
Seeing certain names and numbers can give me panic attacks.
In the supermarket, we only buy specific products pre-selected by me.
When I clean, there is certain ritual which takes way too long.
When I see an item which reminds me of a horrific moment of the past, I throw it out.
Often time I wonder what it would be like to be “normal”.
To not live with this constant anxiety.
My boyfriend and I have analyzed my situation and made little adjustments in life to make it more bearable.
But by the end of the week, we’re going to get rid of one of my largest demons of the past.
We’re going to do the final clean up of the house and hopefully my brain.
No more reminders of those horrible years I had.
Anxiety is not healed all at once, but is done Step by Step.
Just like my little Anxious Ant.
If you’re interested, the T-shirt and Hoodie can be purchased here.